


whatever could it be that has brought me to this loss?

by fullmetallizard



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Child Death, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-30
Updated: 2015-09-30
Packaged: 2018-04-24 04:44:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4905931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fullmetallizard/pseuds/fullmetallizard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>He took her hand in the dark. "I know," he said. And he did. He was the only other person who understood the loss of Sara Elric in this magnitude. He was her parent too.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I unfortunately and obviously do not own FMA.

Winry hadn’t gotten out of bed since it happened. Ed was going back and forth between her and Ben, who’d suddenly (but understandably) developed pretty bad separation anxiety. He was four now but needed the same level of attention he had when he was a baby.

“Win, try to eat. It’s been five days and you’ve only eaten a couple crackers. Come down. Ben misses you.”

Her hair was unwashed and despite all the time she spent sleeping, the circles under her eyes were a stark contrast to her white skin. “I miss Sara,” she answered before turning to face the wall.

Ed stood in the room, lost as to what he should do. He opened his mouth to speak again before hearing a panicked, “Daddy!” from downstairs.

“I’ll bring you something to eat once he’s in bed, okay?”

“Please don’t, Ed. It’ll just go to waste.”

“Okay…well, I love you, Winry.”

She didn’t answer.

He went down the stairs, his automail protesting. Winry was about to do a tune up when they got the news. The pain in his leg was getting worse but he barely noticed it. He was feeling a much deeper pain. That aching loss was front and center.

“Daddy, where did you go? Did you go to get Sara?” Ben asked, reaching up for his father. Ed hauled him onto his hip and laid his head on his little one’s.

“No. I went to see if Mom wanted to have dinner with us.”

“Does she?” Ben asked, eyes wide.

“She’s not hungry. But that means more stew for the two of us, right?” The smile he gave his son was so forced, so fake that it hurt him to make it.

Thankfully, at four, Ben didn’t really pick up on such things.

Ben sat next to Ed at the table, which was actually an accomplishment as Ed had recently become a pro at eating with a young child on his lap.

“Daddy,” Ben said after he’d cleared his plate. “When is Sara coming back?”

“We talked about this, buddy. Sara isn’t coming back.” How do you explain to a four year old that his little sister is dead? Sara had been a constant in his life since he could even have memories.

“But I miss her,” Ben said quietly, as if it that were enough to bring her back. It should have been.

“I miss her too,” Ed answered, feeling his eyes fill up.

“Are you crying? You’re a boy.”

He pulled his son to him. He was young enough that he was still cuddly. He wrapped his arms around Ed’s neck, twisting his fingers in his ponytail. “Boys cry, Ben. Especially when something terrible happens.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too. But it’s time to go to bed.”

Panic filled the boy’s golden eyes but he nodded. “Okay.”

Teeth were brushed and pajamas were on. Ed kissed his son on the forehead, noting his sleepy eyes. Maybe he could go the whole night without screaming. For the past few nights, Ed had been sleeping in the rocking chair with Ben wrapped around him.

Ed went downstairs and cleaned the kitchen. Afterwards he walked into his room and started unbuttoning his shirt. “Winry? Are you asleep?”

“I’m not going to the funeral tomorrow, Ed.”

He paused for a second. “You have to come. You’re her mom.”

“I _was_ her mom. She’s not here anymore.”

“You’ll always be her mom.” Ed was down to his underwear and got into bed.

His wife was curled up, staring at her calloused hands. Her blue eyes were sad and dark. She looked absolutely exhausted. Ed knew he didn’t look much better.

“She’s dead, Edward. She’s fucking gone. I used to be her mom.” Winry didn’t curse and Ed couldn’t help but flinch when the sound hit his ears.

“Win, you’re still her mom,” his strength was crumbling. Tears were coming fast and the loss of his daughter threatened to crush him. “Because I’m still her dad. I’m still her dad, right?”

Winry turned and curled onto his shoulder as he sobbed. Her hand lay limp across his stomach, the weight of it anchoring him. He turned and pulled her into his arms, biting down on the inside of his cheek to keep from crying out at the injustice of the world.

“I’m sorry, Ed. I shouldn’t have said that. I’m just…” She ran her hand through his hair.

Ed loosened his hold on her and let go, laying back, taking shaking breaths. He took her hand in the dark. “I know.”

And he did. He was the only other person who understood the loss of Sara Elric in this magnitude. He was her parent too.

He’d been dozing on and off in bed for a bit, unsure if Winry was sleeping or not.

“Momma! Daddy! Daddy!”  

Ed looked over at the clock. Ben had lasted three hours in his own bed.

Ed pushed his tired body off the mattress. He looked over and saw Winry staring at the ceiling. He rolled his neck around, trying to relieve the ache. It was sore from nights spent in the rocking chair.

He walked to Ben’s room, his metal foot clanking on the hardwood. “What’s the matter, bud?”

“I had a dream about Sara and then woke up and her bed was empty and I’m all alone.” His eyes were big and tear-filled.

He sounded so sad and so scared. Ed felt like he might snap in half, caught in the push and pull of Ben’s clinginess and Winry’s distance. He sat on the edge of Ben’s bed and studied him. His son’s features were smaller versions of his own but the gleam in his eye and the twist of his smile belonged to Winry.

 He had an idea. “We’re gonna sleep in my bed tonight, okay?”

Ben’s whole face lit up. “Okay!” He got out of bed and ran down the hall.

The bed was a little too tall for Ben to get in without help. Ed hoisted him up and he picked a spot right in the middle of his parents. “Hi, Momma.” His voice was sugar sweet and full of love.

Winry slowly glanced over and looked like she’d been shaken out of a daze. Her eyes looked clearer than Ed had seen them since the doctor walked out and told them that they’d tried but Sara truly had drowned.

“Hey, baby boy,” Winry whispered snuggling him to her. 


	2. Chapter 2

“Are you still awake? Our train leaves in four hours.” She felt a hand brush softly through her hair.

Riza turned in the bed to look at Roy. They weren’t being as careful as they should have. Roy had been staying with her every night since they heard about the Elrics.

“Are you crying?” His voice was rough and low.

She touched a hand to her cheek, feeling the tears. “How much more do those boys have to suffer?”

“I know,” Roy said, quietly. They were silent for a few minutes, knowing they were both thinking of the boy who saved the nation and finally, _finally_ had the family he deserved just so he could lose something else.  

When he broke the silence, she jumped a little. “What happened to her, exactly? I haven’t been able to bring myself to call Fullmetal.”

“I’ve only talked to Alphonse but Ed told him what happened. Sara was upset because Ed yelled at her about eating before dinner or something and she ran out to a pond near their house. They don’t know if she got in herself or fell but she didn’t know how to swim.” The words were ugly and sharp in her throat.

“Who found her?” Roy asked shakily once he regained his voice.

Riza took a breath. “Ben did.” She closed her eyes, trying to block the mental images of a little boy finding his limp sister. It made her sick.

“How old is he now?”

“He’s four. Sara was three.”

“Dammit.”

“Roy…Ed told Al it was his fault,” she was almost choking on the words. “He thinks that Sara drowned because he yelled at her and she got upset.”

“Oh, God.” His black eyes were wide in the dark. “Riza…”

“I know.”

The slow tears turned into sobs as the ache got bigger in Riza’s chest. She loved the Elrics. She’d held Sara the day she was born, gave her gifts at Christmas and on her birthday. Now she was gone and she knew Edward had lost something he could never get back.

Roy sighed sadly and held her. She pressed her face into his neck, inhaling the scent of detergent and of him. He kissed her forehead and let her cry. She was certain she felt a few tears of his drip onto her face but she didn’t look up to confirm.

“They’ll live through this,” Roy said, his voice only slightly strangled.

“This is the most unfair thing I have ever heard, Roy.”

He didn’t argue. He ran his fingers in lazy circles on her back, avoiding scar tissue. Slowly she calmed down, her sobs growing quiet. “You need some sleep,” he said against her hair.

“You too,” she whispered.

He curled around her and they both lay awake until the sun started creeping in from her window and it was time to get up. 


	3. Chapter 3

Winry figured if one more person apologized for her “loss” she was going to lose it. She didn’t lose her child. She knew exactly where she was. She was right there in the ground, in between Trisha and Van and the Rockbells, bridging the gap that once was between their graves.

Al and May were running late, their train from Xing had broken down at some point. Winry scrubbed her hands over her tired eyes and then did a quick scan of her full house. People were milling about, holding plates. Pinako was doling out booze. Ben was sitting quietly on the couch with Roy and Riza. She couldn’t find Ed anywhere.

She walked over to the couch. “Could you keep an eye on Ben while I look for Ed?”

“Of course,” Riza said, brown eyes full of sadness.

Breaking away the crowd, Winry headed up the stairs. She checked their bedroom and the bathroom and finally opened the door to Sara and Ben’s room. Ed was sitting on the pink bedspread, clutching a ratty stuffed cat.

“Ed…”

He looked up at her. “Hey,” he said, rubbing the back of his hand over his eyes, wiping away the tears that were there.

“What are you doing in here?”

“I…I thought about her in that coffin and how she would get lonely without her Bobo and I had this urge to come hold it.” He held the stuffed cat out and Winry crossed the room to take it. “It smells like her,” he said quietly. Winry brought the toy up to her nose and inhaled.

It was no wonder. Sara carried the damn thing everywhere, but here it was: the smell of apples, coconut shampoo, and detergent. It was so their daughter that Winry fell to her knees.

“I killed her, Win.” Ed’s voice was nearly silent but she heard him loud and clear.

She looked up and when she spoke her voice was sharp. “What did you say, Edward Elric?”

“She was in the kitchen reaching for a cookie and I told her that was dessert, only for after dinner. And I was so tired and pissed off from my book meeting, I snapped at her.”

“And that means you killed her?”

“She went outside because she was upset with me. Winry, I-” his voice got choked off by a sob. Winry moved to sit on the bed beside him.

“Ed, you didn’t kill her. This was some freak thing. She went outside when she wasn’t supposed to.”

“Then why do I feel so guilty?” His face was hard, anguish twisting his features.

She took his hand. “Because she’s your daughter and she’s gone.”

“Ben doesn’t understand what’s going on. He thinks Sara’s coming back.”

“He’ll understand eventually.” Her voice sounded sure even though she wasn’t.

“I never thought I’d feel a loss worse than Mom. But this is worse.”

She thought of the day a soldier brought the news to her and Granny. She had sat a table, crying while Ed and Al tried to comfort her. She thought about the loss of her parents and how it left a gaping hole in her for years. She thought that ache was the hardest thing she would ever live through. She was wrong.  “I agree.”

They didn’t say anything. They didn’t have to. Winry felt so tired and she wanted nothing more than to go back to the bed she’d laid motionless in for five days.

“Brother? Winry?” They looked up and saw Al standing in the doorway. 


	4. Chapter 4

Al’s eyes and nose were red and his cheeks were damp. He’d only met Sara a handful of times but they had adored each other and Ed knew this would be hell on Al’s soft heart.

“Hey, Al.” He said, not even bothering to muster up a smile.

“Where’s May?” Winry asked.

“She’s downstairs with Ben. People are mostly gone now.” Al crossed the room and sat by the side of Sara’s bed. “I’m so sorry,” Al said, tears falling down his cheeks again. “I’m sorry.”

The three of them sat there, not speaking and staring at the stuffed cat. It seemed so fitting. The trio who knew loss better than anyone experiencing an unfamiliar and terrible one together.

“Daddy? Daddy!” They heard from downstairs. Ben’s panic made them all jump.

“Is he okay?” Al asked, alarmed.

“He’s fine,” Ed answered. “He’s just been clingy since it happened.”

The group made their way downstairs. Everyone was gone but May who had a baby strapped to her chest, Pinako, Ben, Roy, and Riza.

Ben ran up to them and Winry pulled him up onto her hip. “You’re okay, honey,” she said, running her fingers through his golden hair.

Everyone sat there awkwardly. The only sounds came from a gurgling Lily, Al and May’s daughter.

“So how’s Xing?” Winry asked.

“We’re moving to Resembool,” May blurted.

“May! We weren’t going to tell them today.” Al’s cheeks were tinged pink. Lily jumped at his volume and turned to look at her dad, gold eyes wide.

“I’m sorry. I just-“

“It’s fine,” Ed interrupted. “If it’s okay with everyone, I’d like to talk about anything other than the fact that my daughter is dead.”

So they did. Riza and Roy talked about Central. Al made Ben laugh with stories about Xing. Baby Lily was passed around. After a couple of hours, Riza and Roy reluctantly left, saying they had a train to catch. Winry set up a room for Al, May, and the baby.

They didn’t even try to get Ben to sleep in his own bed. Ed knew they were setting a dangerous precedent but at the moment he was just grateful for the presence of the small life he and Winry had made together.

He woke in the middle of the night with a start. He’d been dreaming he was swimming, looking for little Sara, but he couldn’t make it to the surface. He looked over in the bed. Ben was on his back asleep, his fist bunched up in his shirt, revealing his belly. It made Ed smile a little.

Winry wasn’t in the bed but Ed knew exactly where she was. He walked to the kids’ room and found her curled up on Sara’s tiny bed with her stuffed toy clutched in her hand.

“Win, come back to bed.”

She didn’t even startle at his voice in the quiet. Her eyes were open but blank.

“Ed, we can’t let this destroy us.” She still wasn’t looking at him. “We have Ben to think about. We have…the new baby to think about.”

“New baby?” All the air left his body.

“I was going to tell you when I was tuning up your leg,” she finally looked up, eyes filled with fear.

Ed didn’t know what to say. It felt like horrible timing. “It’ll be okay. We can handle it.”

“I just…I don’t know.”

“Look, I’m not saying the baby can replace Sara. We both know that isn’t possible. But moving forward and living our lives is how we’re going to heal from this. Sara wouldn’t want us to fall apart.”

Winry nodded. “I think you’re right.”

He held his hand out, “Come back to bed.”

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are really appreciated! If you're willing, I'd like to hear what you like and didn't like. I love you for reading!


End file.
